Saturday, September 12, 2015

FilmLight - Mental Illness Vs Hollywood



Article author: Alwyn Ash
"At the right time, in the right light, everything is extraordinary"



The Call Image



"I saw a man who had lost any sense of reality, a seriously ill individual whose crimes, though hideous, are also heartbreaking..."

In horror and thriller we are so used to villains being the monstrosities of the piece - some faceless, others grotesque. Just think Freddy Kruger from the Nightmare On Elm Street franchise, or Jason Vorhees's horrific killings on Friday 13th... It is easy to hate these phantoms of fear, as they hunt and massacre their prey. But what is evil, and how is it truly defined in film? How to evaluate a character whose actions are motivated by mental illness? Think of Norman Bates, a man whose mind is clearly burdened, the killings a product of his mental state. Is he considered to be evil? Just when does an audience feel sympathy for a psychopath, or at least touch upon some level of understanding?

Recently I stumbled upon "The Call", a 2013 movie starring Halle Barry as Jordan Turner, a 9-1-1 operator who blames herself for the murder of a distressed caller, witnessed in the first act of the movie. Six months passes and Turner finds herself in a similar situation when the original killer strikes again, kidnapping another young girl called Casey Welson (played by Abigail Breslin). This time the girl is able to phone from the boot of her kidnapper's car, leading to a tense but exciting scenario in which Turner attempts to locate the girl's whereabouts in a bid to help with the police search. Michael Foster (Michael Eklund), the man eventually named as her abductor, is violent, killing whoever stands in his way. But further into the story we learn of his own tale, one of incest and love, loss and devastation. The trigger for his crimes later on in life...

In the concluding act of the movie, and taking matters into her own hands, Turner manages to track the girl down in a cellar, facing Foster in a confrontation that ultimately leads to him being imprisoned in his own hideout, where he will rot, never to be discovered... This is where I found some sympathy for the villain, and the final scenes very distasteful.

It is ironic that, at the end of a terrifying ordeal in which a young girl is kidnapped and facing certain death, I find the final behavior of Turner and Welson to be far more monstrous than the actions of a mentally-disturbed man. Even if you contemplated Welson's to be temporary insanity due to her recent experience, just what is Turner's excuse? Revenge for the death of the previous victim? Accepted, Michael Foster's crimes cannot be overlooked, nor is there any reasonable justification for what he has done, and so life imprisonment in a psychiatric institution should have been the outcome. Realising their decision to let him die alone, Foster pleads with them for mercy, to which Turner says, "It's already done!" - echoing the killer's own words during two previous phone conversations between the two characters.

In scenes that show Foster's prop head and the many scalps taken from young woman, I saw a man who had lost any sense of reality, a seriously ill individual whose crimes, though hideous, are also heartbreaking. His sister died while he was a young boy, and ever since he has yearned for her to be back in his life. His fixation with resurrecting her is similar and yet different in ways to that of Norman Bates, whose split personality called for Norma Louise Bates' return in the "Psycho" films. In "The Call", Foster wishes nothing more than to be reunited with his dead sibling, killing girls until he locates blonde hair that precisely matches that of his sister's.

As someone who suffers with mental illness, I can understand the fine line that can be crossed when not in one's correct frame of mind. Though I am far from Foster's state, there have been times when my own actions have later surprised, horrified and disgusted me, whether it is self-inflicted injuries or other. I have felt just how easily one might go insane when handed circumstances that overwhelm. Just where does true madness lie? Repeating my earlier question, what is evil, and how is it truly defined, whether in film or reality? Foster is no Hollywood 'monster', nor does he fit the same profile as Charles Lee Ray ("Chucky") or 'Pinhead' ("Hellraiser").

When the beast is slain, we usually punch the air in satisfaction, praising the heroes for their bravery against the odds. I felt for Welson during her captivity, wished for her to be safe. I even appreciated Turner's frustration and guilt. But, in the end, they were both the monsters in my eyes - Judge & Jury, coldly deciding his fate without any thought as to his own state of mind. After all, why should they? He is the beast... isn't he?



Follow Alwyn Ash on Twitter: @AlwynAsh. Image source courtesy of Greg Gayne © 2013 SPWAG (via www.imdb.com). Article © Alwyn Ash 2015. Quotes (if applicable) used for publicity purposes only. No infringement of copyright is intended.


Monday, April 13, 2015

Why Journalism Should Be Careful of Stigmatising Depression - LifeView


Article author: Alwyn Ash



Photo of Andreas Lubitz


With the recent reporting of Flight 4U 9525's tragic crash, there has been much talk of depression and its impact on its sufferers...

On 24 March 2015, Germanwings flight 4U 9525 crashed in the French Alps, killing all 149 people on board. It was later revealed that Co-pilot Andreas Lubitz had intentionally caused the horrifying incident. What followed was a frenzy of media activity as newspapers and websites reported that Lubitz was known to have been suffering with "depression". However, some of the headlines have caused both upset and concern for sufferers of mental illness, a disease that is, sadly, still plagued by stigma.

As a result of the media coverage, mental health charities have called for press outlets to be far more guarding and understanding in their language and approach to the condition. But it seems, in the 21st Century, there is still much work to be done to overcome stigma and plain ignorance associated with the disease.

Attitudes towards the crash have been mixed, but in general the "simplistic" journalism portraying depression as a possible sole reason for Lubitz's horrifying act is both unrealistic and damaging.

In a bid to sell newspapers, editors have allowed their "Why on Earth Was He Allowed to Fly" and "Killer Pilot... Depression" headlines to be published. How can these not add to the already existing stigma that surrounds mental health?

Forensic psychologist Dr. Brian Russell said recently, "Psychology can explain why somebody would turn rage inward on themselves about the fact that maybe they weren't going to keep doing their job and they're upset about that and so they're suicidal. But there is no mental illness that explains why somebody then feels entitled to also take that rage and turn it outward on 149 other people who had nothing to do with the person's problems".

Using badly-chosen wording, implying that anyone with depression is a risk to society and should not be employed, is insulting. Taking a look at statistics, it is reported that 1 in 4 people in the UK will suffer with depression at some point in their life, so it is reasonable to say that more people than you know have, at one time or another, been affected.

So just how many, out of those, have taken the lives of others in a bid to end their own? Truthfully, events like the Germanwings crash are, thankfully, very rare: EgyptAir Flight 990 crashed in 1999 with the "probable cause" being deliberate action by the relief first officer, killing 217 people; and the deaths of 104 people on board Silk Air Flight 185 in 1997 was suggested to have been caused by the captain of the Boeing 737...

Yes, some are thought to be connected to "suicide", but it is not reasonable to even suggest that "depression" is the sole catalyst for such acts of murder.

Mental and physical assessments of those in more specialised areas of employment are necessary, but just when is a "depressed" individual permitted to hold such a position? It has been extremely beneficial that people from all walks of life, including the entertainment and medical industry, have publicly raised awareness of mental health - many have even told of their own stories and experiences, which acts to inspire every one of us.

If mental illness is to see an end to stigma, the media must remain unbiased in its reporting. And sufferers must be encouraged to speak out, and ask for help.

Alwyn Ash is a sufferer of depression. All views are his own.



STIGMA (STOP THE IGNORANCE, GOOGLE MENTAL AWARENESS)

Cestrian Dreams was founded by Alwyn Ash in December 2012, with the aim of highlighting mental illness, raising awareness, and helping to overcome the stigma associated with the disease. Originally set up with its very own website, Cestrian has now been incorporated with Alwyn's personal site.

"1 in 4 will suffer with some form of mental health issues"


Image source courtesy of wikimedia.org. Article © Alwyn Ash 2015.
Quotes (if applicable) used for publicity purposes only; no infringement of copyright is intended.

Monday, October 14, 2013

Who Cares? The Primary Care Mental Health Team: Help or Heartbreak?



Part of the Cestrian Dreams Project
Article author: Alwyn Ash

Where to turn when the professionals seem to turn their backs? This article will almost certainly worry some people. But it is fact that not everyone who suffers with a mental illness is being supported correctly or efficiently by a local mental health team in the UK. What follows is a personal account of the heartbreak that I have suffered whilst trying to reach out.

I have suffered with depression for as long as I can remember; I was certainly an isolated child, not wishing to mix, always more comfortable in my own shadow. Shyness, lack of confidence certainly has been raised, but what if it has always been something more than that? Not wishing to share too much about my life, it is fair to say that I never enjoyed the company of other children: I either felt bullied, disliked, or just a burden in general. My imagination kept me safe, far more relaxed just disappearing into a film or two and fantasising that I was a character within the plot, in some magical universe. The real world frightened me, I felt like I was drowning in a sea of noise, sights and confusion.

And, all these years later, not much has changed. I still regard the world as an alien landscape, the people who reside within it baffling and scary. I do not understand adult ways or thinking, and it isn't just a case of having to "grow up", not completely. I am a reasonably mature, sensible creature, with so much heart and affection. Sensitive, certainly, empathic, definitely. I therefore struggle to understand how people can be so cold toward others, or indifferent. Even within the professional establishment I have witnessed much indifference.

Some of you may be surprised to know that I have been sectioned, though voluntarily thankfully. Still, these experiences have left me feeling insecure and uncertain, distrustful and angry. I have been manhandled by a single police officer and handcuffed, have been described as being "backward" by a psychiatrist within the psychiatric hospital where I stayed, and have encountered neglect in the duties of professionals who continually fail to keep me in their sights whilst I await further treatment. Yes, it is acceptable that there is a waiting list (I can fully appreciate there are many who require help from these services), but should I have to keep reminding them that I still exist? Is it really far beyond their skills to keep patients informed regularly, via a letter or email? What does it take to make mentally ill people feel safe and secure? "Waiting" should surely never mean "invisible"...







One of the most appalling of facts is that I am yet to be diagnosed properly, or informed of any genuine diagnosis. Saying that I am simply "depressed" just doesn't cut it - not any more! The various issues that I suffer with cannot simply be explained away by such a lazy description of my condition(s). A psychiatric nurse has mentioned a "personality disorder" but no one has ever come forward and officially diagnosed this. Why not? It also annoys me that professionals judge by what they see at such irregular intervals and what they are told, though some are far more interested in giving their own egotistic opinions rather than listening carefully to what is actually being said. And even then, it is not easy for a patient to self-diagnose, or explain in such accurate detail that the professional has instant understanding of every aspect of the mental illness that the patient suffers with.

There is also the Patient Health Questionnaire (form PHQ9) that requires quick responses using a number system by which a professional decides if you are "depressed" or not. Ridiculous, quite frankly. I have had to fill in one of these forms often and the answers have always been the same. It had even been suggested by one professional that if my way of thinking begins to improve, and I accomplish things, then the answers on the form should reflect that - what he obviously fails to understand is that, mental illness fluctuates regularly, even with CBT (Cognitive behavioral therapy) skills to aid a better way of living. For mental illness there is no cure, but perhaps psychiatrists and psychologists do not understand this simple fact? What might well be a happy experience one day can easily turn into a nightmarish scenario the next, with thoughts of wanting to "get out" any way possible! How can a form possibly mirror that kind of imbalance accurately? Such a form must reflect that day's thinking, and nothing more...

It is easy to suggest that primary care mental health teams do not help anyone at all. But that assumption would be both wrong and unfair. My personal experiences are exactly that: my experiences. Many others have managed to find piece of mind, I am sure, with their local mental health representatives. And seeking help from a local authority is always recommended! However, I am in a limbo while drifting from one extreme to another, emotions and thoughts that rapidly take over and send me on a path to nowhere.

There are days when I am incoherent or confused (tweets on my personal account have reflected this), lost or overwhelmed with fear and anxiety. These are not just part of an illness that can be so easily shifted by CBT, there is far more to it. And it is far too dangerous for professionals to take all of this with a simple "fix-it" remedy, as some of them seem to believe. There is also the danger that my thoughts will lean toward believing that I am not ill at all, that I am just a faker demanding attention, a social recluse who refuses to conform and has simply discovered an excuse for "getting out". But then, any professional who considers the possibility is not worth their training. Thoughts can be misleading, especially where mental health is concerned, and that is where CBT works best: positive and mindful thinking! Still, what if emotions are just too overwhelming to identify the correct thoughts in time? Isn't that where medication comes in, to restore emotional and chemical imbalance?

My relationship with the Primary Care Mental Health Team has been one of doubt, distrust (even though I have tried to let people in), and further confusion. Lack of communication leads to more anxiety, and a feeling that mental health is not a priority at all. I had, at one stage, been given a screening appointment that the intended interviewer was not even aware of due to lack of communication within his own department - so (a) he was late for the appointment and (b) hadn't been expecting me at all! How can that make you feel anything other than unimportant, why should that give you faith in "highly skilled professionals"?

And, though some general practitioners are reasonably sympathetic in the UK, not all understand enough to be of any help, simply passing you on to a mental health team who you are supposed to call in person as preliminary contact; a GP will even refuse to make that all-important call on your behalf, no matter how nervous or scared you are. Sadly, during my life, I have engaged with some GPs who have shown no consideration or compassion at all, generally shrugging off a mental illness as something irrelevant and making the whole experience an uncomfortable one. I have even been asked by a male GP if I were gay (thankfully he is now retired), or suggestions raised that if I simply get over my lack of confidence, life would be better.

I guess another frustrating aspect of care comes courtesy of a local A&E department (Accident & Emergency). It is the one place people like us are advised to visit if we deem our present sense of state to be dangerous. Of course, they forget to tell you that waiting time to be seen by a member of a mental health team can be anything from one to three hours, as the latter has been in my case. During my last visit to A&E I was asked whether it was possible for me to just attend my GP surgery the following day - this was late evening, when my head was certainly mixed. Upon that invitation, I considered the idea. That is the danger also, someone allowing doubt to worm its way in. However reluctant my feelings because of this, I stayed. Regretfully, after that three-hour wait - each minute spent feeling that I should not even be there at all - and growing ever impatient and restless, the urge to leave won over. My absence was noticed, but by then anything could have happened.

I continue to wonder just what can be, or could have been, done to improve my experiences. Yes, finances are tight and staff shortages are difficult, but if one man's journey is made this difficult by a lack of understanding or care, then what hope is there, truly? Words such as "backward" stay with you; being man-handled by police absolutely scars you; and that lack of communication by the professional element tells you that there is no help available... that you are not worth their time... There is more, far more, that I could write, but delving into my past (even recent past) is painful. This is where I pause, for now. As I have said previous, life experiences are individual, and not all professionals are the same.

In everything I have faced these many years, the word "surrender" may come to mind but it never succeeds. Never let anyone belittle your feelings: mental health is as important as any physical illness, and you deserve to be treated accordingly, with compassion. We are all amazing people...



STIGMA (STOP THE IGNORANCE, GOOGLE MENTAL AWARENESS)

Cestrian Dreams was founded by Alwyn Ash in December 2012, with the aim of highlighting mental illness, raising awareness, and helping to overcome the stigma associated with the disease. Originally set up with its very own website, Cestrian has now been incorporated with Alwyn's personal site.

"1 in 4 will suffer with some form of mental health issues"


Saturday, January 12, 2013

Mental Health and Stigma - Tiger Stripes Not Scars



Part of the Cestrian Dreams Project
GUEST Article author: Andy K Gill (BSc)


"I have scars on my arms and wrists from self-harm as a result of my mental health."

As is well advertised through popular campaigns such as “Time to Change,” the amount of individuals who have experienced some form of mental health issue is supposedly one in four (Mental Health Foundation; 2012.) Yet within the United Kingdom the prejudice and stereotypes that are attached to the aforementioned experiences are still causing unnecessary distress and disempowerment to those who fall within this category. Whilst there has been much hype regarding the promotion of those who have lived experience of such issues, or the "experts by experience", there is an identifiable inequality of opportunity or recognition for those who feel able to utilise their skills and existential knowledge to make real changes within mental health services.

In contrast, there is a need to recognise that the word “vulnerable” is not necessarily a taboo term. It is an unfortunate reality that for those living with mental distress, there are times that we can be a risk to ourselves or others. Whilst some who read this may find themselves aghast that this author is reinforcing the very stereotypes he purports to be challenging, I would suggest that without honesty and transparency regarding such issues, society will never truly find the correct balance between empowering those with mental illness and protecting the rights of everyone within society.






As a sufferer of severe mental health issues myself, I have witnessed the chaos and instability that results from binary interpretations of these often opposing ideals. I have witnessed the leaders who stand proudly with their flags, shouting from the hilltops that “We are crazy and we are proud! We know the way forward and we WILL BE HEARD!” In fact I was one of those individuals with a small yet determined (or possibly psychotic?) bee buzzing in my bonnet. After witnessing the astounding labels, the bio-medical (or Dr Frankenstein like) approaches and the looks of concern, fear or even resentment from friends and family, can you blame me? I have also experienced the relentless testing of medication and treatments. The different pills and formulas, wrapped in foil or bottled in plastic containers. They always promise so much, but often cause more harm through side effects than the mental illness they are supposedly treating.

So, after finding others with views similar to my own, I threw everything I had into helping with the creation and promotion of service user led projects. I advocated for those who needed a voice, I worked all day and throughout the night striving to achieve the changes that I believed needed to occur. I even challenged board members and criticised those in charge of the very organisations I was trying to help. But then came the head banging...

At every point during this period I was working under a set of ideals that were contradictory. I am sorry... but this again is where that word vulnerable creeps back into the discussion.

It is problematic in this author’s opinion to create and maintain services led and owned by those experiencing, or with experience of mental health issues. That is, unless such people are ready and feel in a position of recovery that enables them to be involved. There I said it! Please don’t shoot me! Now, please do not misunderstand me here, I know and believe in my very soul that those who have experienced it are the best people to tell anyone how to treat and assist those currently living it. It has been proven within the NHS and other organisations that peer led groups do indeed provide support and knowledge that other methods of intervention and treatment cannot provide (Lorig, Kate; 2009.) However, it is unrealistic to expect that those who attend peer led groups in mental health will eventually be the people who return and lead such services.

The very reason that such individuals attend services is because they are feeling unwell and vulnerable. Whilst the empowerment of such people should be a priority, expecting them to at some point take their turn at running the show is simply unrealistic. Hence the head banging. Again and again those in charge of the services I volunteered for informed me that I had failed to get other service user’s involved and was moving away from the ideal. Of course this meant that I would encourage anyone who came along to become more involved and to take lead. Consequentially, I was continually giving opportunities for others to take charge, only to be told that no-one wanted the responsibility. This eventually led to a cycle of frustration and disappointment coupled with expectations that I simply could not meet.

After enduring this for months I myself became ill, and eventually my partner forced me to my GP who referred me to secondary services. I never attended the appointment. Instead I simply moved away from my roles, held my hands up and quit. Since doing so the same situation has occurred with another service user who has now left also.

So what is the point of this discourse you may ask? Well, it is simply this. There are those with mental illness who are ready and there are those who are still too vulnerable to take up arms. It is an unfortunate but necessary truth that we all need to address. Peer led support is amazing, and I have seen it work miracles! But any peer group or service needs to be implemented with an understanding that not everyone wishes to stand up and be counted.

As for me, after leaving my roles I was offered a place at university to study for a MA in Social Work. Ecstatic, I again took up my flag and marched into a hopeful future full of sunshine and optimism. After completing one year of theory with flying colours, I have now been informed that due to my mental health history, the universities’ occupational health practitioner feels that I am not quite ready for the course, and I need to wait another six months to restart the whole thing (if I wish to.)

Very frustrating, yet I understand. For you see, I have scars on my arms and wrists from self-harm as a result of my mental health. At times these are simply scars and provide a grim artistic vision of demons that can, at any point, raise their ugly heads to try and drag me down again. At other times these scars are my tiger stripes. They show my strength, experience and that at my core, I am a survivor. What is important for all of us “one in four” is that we recognise when the time is right for us to stand up and fight the good fight. But this can never be done at our own determent. Sometimes, as much as I am sure we all hate to admit it, we can be vulnerable. But that’s okay, because so can everyone else.



References

Lorig, Kate. Et al (2009). Community-Based Peer-Led Diabetes Self-management: A Randomized Trial. The Diabetes Educator July/August 2009 vol. 35 no. 4 641-651.



STIGMA (STOP THE IGNORANCE, GOOGLE MENTAL AWARENESS)

Cestrian Dreams was founded by Alwyn Ash in December 2012, with the aim of highlighting mental illness, raising awareness, and helping to overcome the stigma associated with the disease. Originally set up with its very own website, Cestrian has now been incorporated with Alwyn's personal site.

"1 in 4 will suffer with some form of mental health issues"


Tuesday, January 8, 2013

Social Networking and Trending



Part of the Cestrian Dreams Project
Article author: Alwyn Ash


Social networking can be a blessing to so many, but a danger also. I take a look at just why Twitter, Facebook, MySpace and other sites should be a place of concern...

Ever since the creation of Twitter, an online social networking and microblogging service that allows users to send and read text-based messages (of up to 140 characters) known as "tweets", the world has never been the same again. The site was created by American Jack Dorsey in 2006 and has allowed people globally to connect. It is used not just by every day people but by politicians, publishers, charities, artists, religious figures etc.

It is a place where thoughts and opinions, emotions, ideas and projects, lunch tweets, photographs, and much more are shared to fellow followers. The community is wide ranging, many friendly and responsive. However, there are dangers, and these are the reason for this article. Some are so concerning that more needs to be done to highlight the problems that arise from tweeting, trending and following.

And so to tweeting. While some protect their tweets (their account is private and only "accepted" followers may read them), there are so many who just fail to understand the importance of what they write. General information i.e. "Going to town later" and "I had pizza for lunch" is fine, but how about "I'm bored. Anyone want to talk - my number is ***********" or perhaps something so personal about that person that it can be misused later, either by a follower or someone who randomly searches tweets?







As with Facebook, what you say can make a difference to your privacy and safety. Never meet someone you have recently followed on Twitter (or have become friends with on Facebook) - be cautious, and even tell your parents! And then there is another concern, "trending"

We all love a good trend, and it is always joyful when we see something that deserves recognition. Even the fun trends raise a smile. Sadly, I do wish words like "Depression" and "MentalHealth" would trend daily, with Twitter users sharing their personal stories and linking to helpful and insightful articles. It would be so encouraging to know that understanding is, at last, beginning to be embraced by the majority. And that is my dream - and the reason for Cestrian, to highlight awareness and hope that people will learn more about this devastating illness.

Recently I have been appalled by the so-called #cutforbieber, which urges fans of popstar Justin Bieber to cut themselves. While many label these young girls (and boys) as obsessed and their actions outrageous, surely this behaviour goes much deeper and further than just self-harming for a "singer"?

It is heartbreaking to see so many beautiful young people who post photos of their cutting on Twitter via sites like TweetPic to show the world their devotion to the cause.

As someone who self-harms, I can understand what it takes to reach that point. The "trend" isn't just a destructive idea, it is a trigger to those who quite clearly struggle with life, and their emotions. In reply to these recent events, one Twitter user said, "some people have genuine reasons for self harm, it isn't something to joke about. these pathetic little girls cutting over bieber, grow up". However, from my point of view, they aren't "pathetic little girls", their scars (both physical and emotions) are serious and go back further than a "trend".

And if there are some who have cut only because of this trend, then surely this is a matter that needs attention too? What is so wrong with "celeb-worshiping" that a young person would go to such extremes?

More help and understanding is required. Mental health needs to be the number one priority for both professionals, society and celebrities. Whilst therapists, hospitals, and charities are working hard to open up doors to sufferers, many celebrities could do more. There are some who suffer with mental illness too, and they have gone public to help us understand, but so many still have no idea of the impact the likes of depression has on a sufferer and fail to act by supporting charities and individuals. Voices need to be heard, and social networking is the way forward, if it is used positively.

I believe in young people being given the freedom to express themselves, write online and enjoy reading and following whatever they want. But there needs to be a tighter hold on what "trends". Surely Twitter, with the power to close accounts and remove illegal content, could act quicker in intervening before a trend gets to reach too many people? But then, retweets and the even greater power of the internet (and cellphones) always find a way to overcome those who act with good intentions.

So, once more, the answer lies in better understanding, education, and support. Parents and schools need to do their part in combating the problem that affects their children in a technological world. There needs to be a level of trust between adult and child, a support system by which young people can ask for help and advice. Childline in the UK is a fabulous source, as are their guidlines on social networking.




STIGMA (STOP THE IGNORANCE, GOOGLE MENTAL AWARENESS)

Cestrian Dreams was founded by Alwyn Ash in December 2012, with the aim of highlighting mental illness, raising awareness, and helping to overcome the stigma associated with the disease. Originally set up with its very own website, Cestrian has now been incorporated with Alwyn's personal site.

"1 in 4 will suffer with some form of mental health issues"


Sunday, January 6, 2013

War of the Voices



Part of the Cestrian Dreams Project
Article author: Alwyn Ash


"I spent a long time fighting, trying to shut out the thoughts, the voice, holding on to something, anything, that would keep me focusing on life."

As I have said on Twitter, Cestrian is not an organisation, it is a personal cause, designed to raise awareness of mental illness and help to overcome the Stigma that plagues us. I am a sufferer too, and as such still face my demons on a daily basis. Good moments are a blessing, those bright blue sky and sunshine glimpses of happiness. They do happen. No? Never underestimate the power of a single moment, a joyous smile at something that touches you, even for a second. They are worth embracing, bottling them and keeping. I have those, and am lucky to share them when they do happen. Perhaps it is a movie, or a song, or something else that gently brings you into the realm of "I enjoyed that".

But, of course, there is the darker side. Depression takes no prisoners. It is relentless in its determination to overwhelm you, break you from life's grasp. You might feel alone, isolated, suicidal, find that nothing really matters anymore. And even those things that should matter have little significance.






I am going to admit something to you now. I thought long and hard about saying this, because I am here to help you, to support you. But, how can I do any of that if I am not honest? And so, in this blog, I am about to reveal something personal and frightening. But, also know, that I share this because I want you to realise - you are not alone if you feel this way too!

There is a voice, telling me that I am worthless, useless, and a burden to anyone who loves me. They are better off without my struggles. Paranoia sets in, and suddenly no one really loves me at all, I am hated, or tolerated at best. I am a joke. And so, with this in mind, I want to die. Or... part of me, the voice at least, wishes for my existence to end. And so, if the voice is loud enough, I listen. Not a good idea, but when overwhelmed, there are no other voices present and you hear those negative messages: "Worthless", "pointless", "unloved", etc.

Last night I was faced with such a point. A moment when I was out of the house, feeling dejected, empty, and afraid. And of course, the same voice in my head, telling me that it could all be over, if I only took a step. One step and everything would be over. I would be at peace. No more pain, or sorrow. Peace.

I spent a long time fighting, trying to shut out the thoughts, the voice, holding on to something, anything, that would keep me focusing on life. The love of someone, a future that is yet to be discovered, a world still unexplored... I had two choices, as simple as that: live or die.

Well, you know which I chose. And I am glad. Because, in the end, as I write this, I know that the other would have been devastating. For those who love me, and for myself too. Tomorrow is another day. So many possibilities still awaiting to be uncovered. I am here. I am alive. And, though I know there will be a day when I will be forced to face that decision once more, there is no doubt that I have won this weekend!

My own voice was the strongest. It overcame the negative thoughts, brought me back home to safety. And I am proud of that. And I am here with you now, to tell you that there is always more than one choice - that you don't have to lose everything. Everyone's journey in life is different, I understand that, but my own demons are dark and terrifying. They can, however, be overcome, a single moment when you can defy them by saying, "I am better than them!"

And you are. We are! Everyone is unique, beautiful, and has something, a quality, that is priceless and worth saving.



Sunday, December 30, 2012

No Time For Bullying... RIP Jessica Laney



Part of the Cestrian Dreams Project
Article author: Alwyn Ash


Call for closure of websites like Ask.fm following the death of an American teenager. Online bullying needs to be highlighted - there needs to be more awareness...

Guess I was one of the lucky ones. Though bullied at school, it was no where near as tough as the pain that others have been forced to endure. Yes, I was humiliated at times, and my confidence and emotions had been battered, but no matter how bad it could be there were never any thoughts of taking my own life because of it. Thankfully. However, bullying does have that most heartbreaking of results - the need to stop the pain...

Over the years we have read news reports of young people, so desperate to overcome the torture of bullying, who commit suicide. Tragic actions that damage whole families. I have begun to do some research - not enough yet to write a detailed article - and am shocked by what I read. While some website reveal "statistics" and try to inform, some miss the greatest urgency of them all: bullying!

According to one site, factors that may be a cause for teenage suicide are the "divorce of parents", "violence at home", "Substance abuse", "an ability to be successful at school", "rejection by friends" etc. The list does, astonishingly, fail to recognise bullying as another possible trigger, whether it be in the real world (i.e. at school) or online. And there is no doubt that online bullying - Cyberbullying - is the modern-day threat to every vulnerable person. And it just has to stop! Imagine the heartbreak, of losing that one special person in your life, a child perhaps, to suicide only to then find trolls targeting a tribute site too (known as RIP trolling)... The word "cruel" isn't sufficient enough.




Jessica Laney, 16, of Hudson, Florida



We have read how some celebrities including former X-factor contestant Cher Lloyd have experienced first hand the pain of online bullying, with Cher commenting at one point, "I think I must get at least 10 tweets a day saying I'm a dirty pikey. There's been many times where I've cried myself to sleep".

But just imagine how persistent and increased bullying can get under the skin of an individual, turn their days into a nightmare and cause them so much pain that they would rather escape by any means necessary... Quite frankly the anonymity of the web makes it all too easy for someone to create username with a temporary email account and cause maximum damage to a person's life.

Recently the death of sixteen-year-old Jessica Laney touched my heart, how a young beautiful girl, a pupil at Fivay High School in Florida, could be brought to such an end after suffering torment from those who don't even have the right to share the same world as their victim. Like all teenagers she spent most of her free time online, updating her blogs and answering questions on the website Ask.fm, which I refuse to use for its danger and anonymity - do you even need an account to ask a question?

While many of the entries to her Ask.fm account were innocent enough, there were some that were insulting, others extreme: "Can you kill yourself already?" and "nobody even cares about you". Jessica's friends are convinced it was the online treatment that led her to her death, however it had been reported that both the girl's parents and boyfriend weren't so sure, saying that they were unaware of any bullying. But, isn't that sometimes the way, that an individual, scared and feeling lost, will carry these burdens, alone, without finding the strength to share with those closest to them?

A Facebook page has been set up in Jessica's memory, who died on Sunday 9th December 2012 after hanging herself. There has also been a call for the Ask.fm website to be shut down, and I cannot help but agree. Although cyber-bullying is alive and thriving on social networking sites like Twitter and Facebook, there are, at least, ways to block and protect yourself in such places, I believe. There is the problem though of whether forcing the closure of a site is indeed possible, and what other sites will spring up in the following months and years - Formspring is another Q&A website that permits people to ask whatever they like, remaining unaccountable.

And there are other forms of bullying too, like in the case of Canadian Amanda Todd, who died after being hounded by an online stalker. We should all remember that words have the power to kill as much as any knife or gun...

Surely the answer lies in education, understanding the dangers of social networking (how many people share way too much personal information to complete strangers, "friends" on Facebook etc?), and tackling online bullying head on by allowing schools to share stories of those already lost? There must be other ways, too, and I just hope that something changes enough to save lives that would otherwise have been taken from us...




STIGMA (STOP THE IGNORANCE, GOOGLE MENTAL AWARENESS)

Cestrian Dreams was founded by Alwyn Ash in December 2012, with the aim of highlighting mental illness, raising awareness, and helping to overcome the stigma associated with the disease. Originally set up with its very own website, Cestrian has now been incorporated with Alwyn's personal site.

"1 in 4 will suffer with some form of mental health issues"


Wednesday, December 26, 2012

How Do They Not Understand?



Part of the Cestrian Dreams Project
Article author: Alwyn Ash


"The phenomenon whereby an individual with an attribute is deeply discredited by his/her society is rejected as a result of the attribute. Stigma is a process by which the reaction of others spoils normal identity" - Erving Goffman, 1963

How do they not understand? I guess that is the question. For so many of us every day existence is a blank page, no fine tuning or planning, we exist, a simple step of getting from one hour to the next is our single achievement on the worst days. Depending on the severity and condition of the mental illness - and what support structure is in place - we may even find it difficult to get out of bed, eat and wash; simple things to everyone else but activities that need the desire to "live". If we wake late, perhaps 2pm let's say, we are obviously just "lazy". If our hygiene is not up to standard then we are quite clearly filthy, people who take no pride in our appearance. If we are "depressed"...



"Many people who have been stigmatized feel as though they are transforming from a whole person to a tainted one. They feel different and devalued by others. This can happen in the workplace, educational settings, health care, the criminal justice system, and even in their own family."
Extract from "Social Stigma", Wikipedia






Everything has a label. And that is the problem with words such as "depression", "suicide", "breakdown", "self-harm" etc. The list could go on, sadly. One person who I spoke to recently said it best when she commented on how people react to you when they become aware that you have a mental illness - as if you are "crazy", someone who needs to be avoided like a plague. And, of course, there are those with such severe conditions that they are unpredictable, dangerous to either themselves or others. But the majority of sufferers, even those who self-harm like I do, just want to be accepted, understood in some way and encouraged to live a normal life. Whatever a "normal life" actually means. Is life ever really "normal"? Surely it varies with each point of view...?

Is someone who suffers with depression simply making excuses for a life that is far from perfect and who wishes to feel sorry for themselves? If they are unemployed, they must be a burden on the State, especially if they are in receipt of benefits of some kind...?

And there are those who claim to be depressed but in reality are not actually long-term sufferers, simply people who experience short-term low mood - they are not clinically depressed, i.e. not deemed to suffer from a recurrent mental disorder. "Depressed mood is not necessarily a psychiatric disorder. It is a normal reaction to certain life events." However, saying that, never presume that someone you know who is "depressed" hasn't been consumed by genuine mental illness - that is always the danger, that their condition will be overlooked by professionals, friends and family. Always keep an open mind, if you care enough.

"How do they not understand?" is, indeed, the question that needs to be answered. But then, is society not teaching them the right answers? Or are the correct questions not being asked? Perhaps people need to start looking at things differently. But alongside understanding there must be patience, too, the ability to stand by our side and calmly support, in whichever way they can.

Earlier in this article I commented 'activities that need the desire to "live"', and in no way do I suggest that those who suffer with mental illness have no desire to exist or focus on making their life more comfortable and rewarding, I was merely expressing one of many thoughts and feelings that can fill a sufferer's mind, mine for sure - so complex is the nature of depression, how absolutely confusing it can be for both those who feel its wrath personally and those who support alongside. But "understanding" is what needs to be achieved, from every corner, the ability to begin a journey that will open up more than just a wound, whether it be emotional or physical...

...Society needs to play that part...




STIGMA (STOP THE IGNORANCE, GOOGLE MENTAL AWARENESS)

Cestrian Dreams was founded by Alwyn Ash in December 2012, with the aim of highlighting mental illness, raising awareness, and helping to overcome the stigma associated with the disease. Originally set up with its very own website, Cestrian has now been incorporated with Alwyn's personal site.

"1 in 4 will suffer with some form of mental health issues"


Wednesday, December 5, 2012

The Power of Words...



Part of the Cestrian Dreams Project
Article author: Alwyn Ash


'I am not an "organisation" with tough shoulders who can shrug off abuse.'

This isn't exactly how I had planned this article for Cestrian Dreams, but the rudeness and downright disregard for my personal feelings caused me pain. And it was all because of my phrase of words - "You are never alone"

Invited by a friend of mine to take a look at this very website [original Cestrian Dreams website now closed], a Twitter user (username withheld) had decided to take it upon herself to not mince words and say something that deeply hurt - hurt so much that I self-harmed that day just to cope with the pain within. I am a very sensitive person and took her directness personally. I had not invited her to communicate using foul language and therefore did not deserve her reaction in any way. I was pained, and still am having difficulty getting over her sharpness and lack of consideration.






You might be thinking, "well, if you can't cope - why do it?", but seriously, Cestrian Dreams means so much to me on a personal level, an opportunity to share my experiences and try to help others, if I can. I am not an "organisation" with tough shoulders who can shrug off abuse.

For someone who supports mental health awareness, her behavior was unacceptable and cruel. In truth, the way that she reacted did so much damage, more than she can ever realise - I had almost cancelled my plans to establish Cestrian Dreams because of that day, that tweet...

This article isn't designed as an invite for her to "have another go", I am merely expressing my feelings in a way that might help me to come to terms with Human behavior. It had never occurred to me that someone who understands depression can be so cold towards a fellow sufferer. Perhaps this young woman has issues - and yes, I will try to find it in my heart to forgive if she does - but how can any of us truly learn to live with depression if it causes us to turn on each other?

I am told that this lady is generally a nice person. Well, perhaps. But she failed to show any Human kindness that day. And I can only judge by how others behave towards me. I had also pointed it out to her that the website was still in a development phase, so there were changes to be made and additions to be placed. Nothing was yet "right" or finalised. In reply, she repeated the same vulgarity. If she had had issue with anything present, a polite message would have been embraced. Or, she could have just kept her opinions to herself instead of causing unnecessary upset.

When saying "You are never alone", I was, in fact, referring to something that I had been told by a friend - that even though we think we are the only ones with depression, and self-harming, there are others out there, facing the exact same battles.

It was a message to myself as much as anyone. Because I do feel alone so often, have trouble facing my demons and have to be reminded - I am not a single entity fighting to stay safe.

I will now focus on the positive, and work tirelessly to support those who need it, welcome it. I am still here, struggling but determined...



Sunday, November 18, 2012

Depression - Shades of life...



Part of the Cestrian Dreams Project
Article author: Alwyn Ash


I am stronger than depression! But depression has a way of creeping in, an extreme that decays self-belief...

It seems like a lost battle, a war of unequal odds. Following on from my previous two articles focusing on depression, I felt it was time for an update in my struggles living alongside this destructive ilness.

Funny how, just when you think something is becoming less severe, it resurfaces only to hit back twice as hard. There are times when I blame myself, think that I deserve the brutality and insanity - perhaps I don't deserve happiness? There are even days when I believe the world is against me, paranoia on a level that frightens me. I look at those who love me, and question them, doubt their feelings. Why would anyone wish to love me? There are days when nothing in this world is enough and all I think about is death. Perhaps there is peace in that dark place...

(And, no - this is NOT a suicide note!)

If you already feel that this article is too much then I suggest you leave now. But, just consider, for someone like me, there is no way to "leave", my battle with depression is daily, a struggle against uncertainty, pain, and ongoing madness. That is how it feels. Imagine, there is no escape, unless I succumb to the kind of anti-depressants that numb everything, all emotions and senses. But, honestly, is that any way to exist?








These past many months I have been focusing on small but important tasks, things that help me to reach the next day, the following month, something that offers hope. But lately my insecurities have returned, harder and sharper. Uncertainty has crept in, biting and tearing. I truly thought these days were over, that I had somehow managed to overcome the worst. And then the self-harming, another pain that I had faced head on, never truly left me. I feel shaken, confused. All I want - have ever wanted - is hope.

But perhaps that is another luxury that I do not deserve, have never deserved? It does make you consider...

I am also learning that there are two sides to love: the warm, embracing kind that feeds you with happiness, a contentment that cannot be found elsewhere; and the pain of heartbreak when events and feelings turn, the uncertainty and yearning for answers and understanding. Whether it be in a loving relationship, or with family and friends, love can be complicated. Unsettling. The passing of my grandmother this October shook my world. It affected me in a way I just did not consider. This, only my second experience of losing someone close...

We all want to feel safe, too, happy and secure in the knowledge that our lives mean something. But depression enhances those emotions that drive us, or hold us back. Something that is trivial to one person becomes extreme for others. The ongoing struggle intensifies. So, instead of focusing on a problem or setback with a clear head and reason, issues mutate into a creature that is so grotesque and dark. You just want to flee, escape from the horror of it all. Logic plays no part in depression, I am afraid.

And yes, I AM AFRAID! Medication makes the bite just that little bit less severe, but there is no cure. And even through counselling, there is still that sense of being alone. You spend, what, an hour, in the company of a professional, who knows absolutely nothing about you, your true feelings or experiences? And how many years of pain must you get through in order to face the challenges ahead? How many times must you repeat the madness, explaining and soul searching...

There is something else, too: so many good things, positive steps, can be destroyed in a second by one painful moment, a single experience that resets your emotions and makes you question: what was it all for?

The complexities of Humankind gets me also, perhaps I have never grown to feel comfortable with the world. They say that there are those who are born without the abilities to cope with life. That, no matter how many years they spend fighting and learning, it is never enough. Truthfully, I am one of those who struggle. Have always struggled. Something I read today on a website, "I am forgettable", certainly hurts, that feeling that no matter how hard you try, how much you climb - it amounts to nothing, in the end.

Self-pity? Maybe. But isn't that what depression does: mocks, encourages disbelief and uncertainty, feeds emotions with such intensity that you want to crawl away and die? Isn't depression the beast within?

I just want to be held, both physically and emotionally.




STIGMA (STOP THE IGNORANCE, GOOGLE MENTAL AWARENESS)

Cestrian Dreams was founded by Alwyn Ash in December 2012, with the aim of highlighting mental illness, raising awareness, and helping to overcome the stigma associated with the disease. Originally set up with its very own website, Cestrian has now been incorporated with Alwyn's personal site.

"1 in 4 will suffer with some form of mental health issues"


Saturday, July 7, 2012

Living With Depression - Not Just The Sufferer



Part of the Cestrian Dreams Project



"My own experience of this has affected someone I care about deeply"
You must want to recover, or at least learn to live with depression, for yourself most of all. But you owe it to those who love you to at least try, never give up.

I guess it is so easy to fall, to embrace the darkness when we are depressed; there is no way out, no solution. No answer. And so we either withdraw further still or hit out. We think only of ourselves. After all, what does anyone else know? They don't have to live with depression. Albeit family, partners or close friends, they simply don't understand, so why should we think about their feelings? And so we spend what feels like an eternity alone, inside our own little space, ignoring the world around us, or trying to ignore. Perhaps we will see a glimmer of light, a moment to be thankful. However, even then, there is that darkness, swallowing us into oblivion once more. The cycle continues...

In February 2012 I wrote Depression - from the heart, an honest and painful article reflecting on my personal experiences with a mental illness that is far more common than you might realise. However, this time I will solely focus on the other side of depression - those who love you, and care for you. If you are lucky enough to have someone in your life who is there to embrace and comfort your heart, there is no doubt that you are one of the lucky few.

So does that solve everything? No, absolutely not. And there are times when you will take this person, or persons, for granted. You will not hold on to them as tight as you should, instead seeking refuge in tears and self-pity. Self-harm perhaps too, anything to cope with mental illness in your own way, and on your own terms?

And though it can be seen as a selfish act, we never truly mean to hurt those who love us. Because we love them, and will often tell them so. On reflection, during the clearest of moments, you will realise just how much pain and worry you have put them through, whether it be intentional or not! But the dark clouds overhead blot out the Sun and, once more, we engage with the inevitable.

My own experience of this has affected someone I care about deeply; she has given such warmth and love, never asking for anything in return. She is my guiding light in a world of mist, confusion and pain. I am thankful. And though I tell her often how special she is to me, it doesn't stop a sense of guilt, the feeling that she would be better off without this burden. But she loves me, and the burden is not as deep as I fear. My heart is safe...

Even still, my decisions sometimes causes further worry and pain. Ignoring my medication, for a start, was not one of my triumphs, choosing to live without Citalopram for a period believing I would finally be better off without it. Instead, I grew worse, clinging on desperately to life as insanity lured me into its shadowy lair.

Struggling and scared, I confided in the one person my heart has embraced, finally persuaded to accept that I need medication - it is not a matter of choice!

There is also a question of the correct medication and dosage. I am yet to find the perfect balance but, with support, I am determined to make it work. Again, no other choice - it is either that or a painful and desperate battle that will rapidly overcome my soul and further decay the hope that is still within reach...

I will say this: you must want to recover, or at least learn to live with depression, for yourself most of all. But you owe it to those who love you to at least try, never give up. As much as they support you, there is only a limit to what they can cope with - a generous heart will hold you so close, keep you safe. But if you refuse to embrace them back and seek refuge in their warmth when needed... Summon the courage to fight.

I know it is not easy. But that is precisely why you should desire the will to overcome depression - you are not alone!

Though I am no counsellor, I can understand some of what you are going through. We are all different, and learn to cope with mental illness in similar and various ways. There is so much that clouds our judgement, exiling us to a place that is neither safe or pain-free. No answers can be sought here.

Look to those who love you for guidance.





Article author: Alwyn Ash




Sunday, February 26, 2012

Depression - From The Heart...



Part of the Cestrian Dreams Project

"Beautifully written & staggeringly honest" - Neil Gardner



"Depression can make you feel isolated
and lonely"

It seems like a never-ending story. When you are affected so badly, living with so much confusion and anger, it feels as if nothing will ever change. You see the bad patches, taste the negativity of those moments, blinded by clouded judgement. It may even be that you are facing this upset alone, unable to share your fears with a close friend or family member. And even then, do they really understand? Frustration, despair, these all leak in to your world, drowning you further. There is no way out, or perhaps there is - one way to escape the torment...

And yes, I have been there. Still am, battling day to day with depression. Some may say "You'll get over it" or "There's always tomorrow", but isn't that helpful, eh? Tomorrow could be the day you decide to end it all. And then what?

My personal struggle with this mental illness has been hell, I don't mind saying. Even now, it raises its ugly head often, tearing what should have been a perfect day in half. One minute you feel fine, coping brilliantly, then there is a shadow, a spark, and everything changes. It really does. You go from being content to feeling miserable, paranoid, and hurt, inside.

Sometimes it doesn't take much to cause this rapid change. People never seem to understand that. "What happened?" they'll ask. Yet, sadly, there is not always an answer to that question. Your head swims, your thoughts unable to focus, there is tension, a vice-like pain that wants nothing more than to cast you into oblivion.

You panic, want to escape.

That is the danger, wanting to embrace any means of salvation - even suicide! It would be quick, you tell yourself, and the agony will end. I will be free of this. And yes, you would. I am not going to pretend otherwise, it is a choice, of facing the depression head on, being braver than you have ever been, or taking the easy route. I am going to be honest, and admit that suicide has been an option for me - more than that, I have tried to take my life. Your mind looks over the best way, the less painful way: wrists cut, hanging, overdose...

It is scary. But you don't feel there is any other solution. And thoughts of the people you leave behind, you cannot afford to invite those in, it would fill you with doubt, perhaps stop you from taking that yearned-for leap into the void.

I am writing this from my own experiences, so please don't expect answers if you are lost, too. For those you need to ask for help.

Never feel alone - there's support for anyone 24/7. The Samaritans.
Antidepressant medication is not easy in itself. There is no formula as to which tablets work best for each person, everyone is different and their minds are treated as such. What works for one individual might not necessarily work for you. So a change in medication after a test period could be a possibility.

It is true that depressive people tend to blame themselves when faced by negative events, and are unlikely to accept credit for positive outcomes. There is a lack of belief that they can succeed, repeatedly overcome by self-pity.

Depression can make you feel isolated and lonely; your desire to be with someone "special" is overwhelmed by your fear of other people, social situations terrify and force you to stay away. You don't want to engage, or even when you do something sparks off in your head, and you feel the urge to flee. Panic attacks are regular, scary and keep you from finding that outlet.

The following part of this article will be difficult to share, but it needs to be said. This will also be the most personal of all...

Whether or not you invite thoughts of a suicidal nature, there is always another way of decreasing the inner pain: self-harming. This is quite common among people with depression; it is a form of release, allowing the tensions and anger to seep away, just like the blood from a cut.

There are various ways of self-harming. Personally I have cut my arm, banged my head against hard surfaces... anything to escape. To a rational person this is all utter madness, possibly a form of attention-seeking? But self-harm can be the result of two factors: a call for help, or self-control. When everything around you is so out of control, taking something like this, it helps you to focus and feel like you are in charge of your life.

So what triggers self-harming? Anything, quite frankly. Even when you are trying, desperately trying to achieve the next step in recovery, a bad moment, a fatal encounter, will have the affect of absolute chaos. There is the spark in your head, anger or a feeling of hopelessness...

...So you cut...

Writing this article, from the heart, is not easy. Wish I could say that the self-harming is over. Sadly, that is not the case. My issues are ongoing. And yes, I still seek that self-control, from time to time, when things get too bad and there is just no other way to cope.

So what to do, and where to go, when you are in need of help? There are two ways in which you can seek support: your local general practitioner (GP), or the Samaritans. Both will have a friendly ear. Have my personal experiences with outside help been encouraging? I cannot lie, there have been difficult encounters for me, including a short stay at a psychiatric hospital. You didn't know? Of course not, this is something deep and personal. It is only now that I am willing to open up about it. So, are you likely to be placed into one of these if you receive help?

Not necessarily. Everyone's problems are different; I was placed in one for a particular reason, though this is something that I would rather not go through right now, in this article.

I am not here to give support, nor am I here to be judged. I am writing this to raise awareness. If you are out some place, and see a stranger banging his/her head against a wall, or door, shouting, crying, please try not to be too judgemental - your instinct is that they might be dangerous, I know. Perhaps they are. But we never truly know someone's story, do we?

I am one of those crazy people. Yes, it had gotten that bad for me once upon a time. Still could. You never truly know when something breaks you...

...heart, mind and soul.





Article author: Alwyn Ash