Source: pixabay
I sometimes wonder what is wrong with me. Spent my life wanting a genuine friend, felt lonely for a good part of my life, and struggle understanding thoughts and feelings. I'm convinced I simply don't belong or fit in, that there is something fundamentally wrong with my wiring. I see people socialising and making it all look so easy. They are popular, liked, and others take time for them.
I cry, often, and can't seem to balance my emotions, or ignore a longing to be loved. Which is strange because there are two people in my life who love me. I guess it's a different kind of love I'm needing, that is where the hurt truly exists.
I fail to recognise social cues and cannot read body language, too often I don't get a joke and instead take it the wrong way. My balance isn't great and I seem to struggle steering around people in town. I feel stupid and slow.
A now retired Gp suggested that I might be on the autistic spectrum, yet I'm scared to find out by taking it further.
So, I keep moving forward through life, confused and alone. Even in company I'm alone and that is what I don't understand.
I'm ugly both inside and out. At least, that's all I believe. Online friends say I'm nice, and look nice, but I don't see it at all. Mirrors are my worst enemy.
It's no secret that I've suffered with mental health issues through life, since childhood. I'm insecure. I've self-harmed, and taken an overdose on a number of occasions - one that could have been very life threatening as my heart was at risk.
Over the past few months I've focused on caring for me, loving all that I am. Last week I started a diet to be fit and healthy, with a goal to horse ride in a year's time. I'm not the most patient of people, but I want this to happen!
My greatest fear is moving onward alone. Not having a special friend to share it all with. I keep believing that I'm unlovable, that no one in their right mind would want to spend time with me.
I'm a jigsaw puzzle with far too many pieces missing.
